As the title of this confession suggests, I have somewhat accomplished that which I set out to accomplish…
I am here.
Even if no-one else is here with me.
I haven’t gotten much further over the block wedged in my W.I.P yet… I’ve considered the hurdle though, which for me, is a speck of hope.
I’ve touched nothing on the website or the back-end of things, but I have managed to read and gain slight satisfaction from it.
We take those, especially when last week, I woke up every day to a pile of unfinished books, half-baked reviews scattered on pieces of paper, and the neglected plants that take up most of my desk space.
When I drop the ball, I really DROP the ball.
Making peace with the avocado tree, the germanium, the aloe, the bamboo, et al was my easiest act of penance. Plants, I’ve noticed are quite forgiving. I found myself quickly unburdened from my guilt (at least by them).
I spoke to each one and thanked them for holding up without me. I apologized for my distance and gave them great drinks of water with the promise that “I’ll be better today”.
They were in bad shape, but still they were nonetheless.
I tried to take a lesson from the plant babies, to use that sacred moment to reassure my sense of identity as a writer despite my lack of progress.
I (the writer) am in bad shape, but still, I am a writer. Deep in the very core of my being, even when I have questioned everything else, I never faltered from the “fact” that I am a storyteller at heart.
My ability to share these stories is questionable at times, but the stories are always there, flittering in the recesses of my mind, waiting for my left and right brain to find balance before finding life on the page.
Sad to say that the balancing act is still very much underway up there. However, this week, when fear tried to subdue me into inaction (as is often the case with me), I am proud to say that I persevered enough to finish some of the straggling books.
While I still cannot quite formulate my thoughts into proper reviews yet, at least the work of absorption is complete. I’m sure one day I will wake in the wee hours of the morning with a clear map of my words and how to transpose them to an audience, but today does not yet appear to be that day.
At least, somewhere in the dusty corners of Google this “blog” (if it can be called such) whispers to the world that I am still here and still writing…
[I was going to add one of my photographs here, but let’s just say my skills as a photographer and writer are much the same these days ;)]
I just want to say …
You’re not alone.
A few words that usually help keep me going is to try to focus in the steps, and not on the staircase.