I didn’t expect to meet you guys here again so soon. It seems that I can only make good mental progress on the page so… here I am.
These last few months I’ve written very little aside from journaling. Since June, the most I accomplished in my WIP was reworking a chapter and promptly deleting the proceeding three chapters. But if you asked me how much I journaled, I could boast at having filled three thick leather-bound notebooks.
I try to remind myself that I am still recovering from a b*tch of a burnout, and that journaling, by definition, is technically still writing. But honestly, today, it doesn’t quite feel like it.
I’m reminded of my lengthening absence from my passion project. That I left my characters in the debacle that had become my plot. In my attempts to better develop one of the secondary characters my story began tearing me in yet another direction!
I had intrusive visions of new endings where the empathy of the reader sway from a favorite character to one I despise. Must I now dismantle more of the introduction to serve this new master? How could I abandon my protagonists, the characters that saved me during one of the darkest periods of my life? It’s unconscionable.
And yet, where does that leave me?
I certainly cannot force my will upon the script. The readers will feel my labor more than connect with the story, leaving my work as nothing but a rotting carcass of what once had been a lively, whimsical dream. And not only that, this WIP has become representative of my entire fantasy. The fantasy of actually sustaining myself in this world with what makes me feel whole. The fantasy I grasp for to persuade myself to give “this life thing” one more chance, one more day, one more attempt.
I’m hoping that if I stick to creating these confessions, if I continue to share my struggles, that I will eventually claw my way back to feeling like a true writer again. And if I don’t, I hope my experiences at least inspire one of you out of a rut or a storm or whatever is blocking you from happiness and growth.
I know something will come out of this, and realize that said thing might be out of the realm of my considerations. I am trying to be vulnerable and open to new things.
Trying to be a better writer.
Trying to be a better me.